How to Help New Twin Parents: 9 Things They Actually Need
Updated: Aug 15
*Please note: some links provided below may be Amazon affiliate links! At no cost to you, I may earn a small commission from the products below if you click on them and make a purchase. Read more about affiliate links in my disclosure policy.
Twins run in my family. Each generation seems to have a set or give birth to one.
My great-grandmother had three sets of twins while living in Italy. Only one set survived, and I genuinely have no idea how that woman managed. My great aunt and uncle were twins. My dad's cousin had mo/mo/di triplets. And then there was me, with di/di twins!
So although twins run in my family, if I look back on our first year with them, I can wholeheartedly say: We didn't know what the hell we were doing.
And honestly? Neither did most of the people trying to support us. It was overwhelming for all of us. The hardest part for my family was that I didn't even know what kind of help I needed. Now I do.
So this isn't another twin registry list. I'm not going to tell you which bottle warmer to buy or how many swaddles twin parents need. This is about how to actually support new twin parents during the first year.
👉 If you're looking for registry ideas, check out these posts:
If someone you love is expecting twins, send them dinner, send them coffee, and then send them this post. And if you're the one expecting twins? Send this to your people. You'll need them. 🤍
Need to save time? Skip ahead to what you need: |
9 Ways to HELP New Twin Parents
1. Feed Them
My husband and I were basically incapable of feeding ourselves during those first few months. I'm not going to sugarcoat how hard those first 12 weeks with newborn twins can be, especially if you don't have hired help. It genuinely feels like you're running a relay race.
Feed one baby.
Feed the other.
Burp them.
Change them.
Get them back to sleep.
Wash bottles.
Pump.
And by the time you're finished? Someone needs something again. There were nights when my husband and I wouldn't realize until 9 p.m. that we hadn't eaten dinner.
The people who helped us the most were the ones who showed up with food. Fresh, home-cooked meals. Freezer meals to warm up later. Pizza. Takeout. Anything we didn't have to cook ourselves.
My parents invited us over for dinner a lot because they genuinely thought getting us out of the house and feeding us would help. And their intentions were wonderful. But leaving the house with two newborns, two car seats, a diaper bag, bottles, feeding supplies, and everything else you need to keep two tiny humans alive? Absolutely not.
We were first-time parents. We needed to stay our asses inside. Don't invite new twin parents to dinner. Bring dinner to them.
2. Don't Wait for Them to Ask for Help
Wash the bottles. Fold the laundry. Unload the dishwasher. Take out the garbage. Don't ask. Just do it.
I had so many people come over and ask me: "How can I help?" And every single time, I felt guilty giving them a list of chores. So I'd say I didn't need anything.
Then we'd all sit around staring at the twins (because all they do is sleep in the 4th Trimester, anyway) while my internal clock ticked away and my anxiety built by the second. I knew there were bottles piling up in the sink. Laundry needed to be folded. Pump parts needed to be washed. But I couldn't go do any of it because I felt like I needed to be a good host. But the truth was, I didn't even have the bandwidth to engage in a normal adult conversation.
Without sounding rude, if you're close enough to someone to be in their home during those first few weeks with twins, you're probably close enough to wash a bottle. Don't make exhausted parents manage you by figuring out what task to assign. Find something that needs to be done and do it.
3. Take the Babies on a Walk and Let the Parents Shower
My sister-in-law did this for me, and it's one of the few things I vividly remember from those early weeks. She took the twins on a walk. That's it. (Shout out to you, Ari! MVP MVP MVP)
Such a small thing. But it meant I could take a shower without feeling like my husband was still in the trenches alone. I didn't have to worry that one twin would wake up and need me. I didn't have to stand under the water wondering whether I could hear a baby crying when nobody was actually crying.
For a family member or friend, taking the babies for a walk is a relatively small commitment. For an overwhelmed new parent? Twenty peaceful minutes to shower can feel like a vacation.
4. Be an Extra Set of Hands at Appointments
Twin babies can come with a lot of appointments, especially during those first few months. If they spent time in the NICU, were born prematurely, need extra weight checks, or need something like physical therapy for torticollis—which Jay did—you may feel like you're constantly loading two babies into the car to go somewhere.
My husband couldn't always take off work for appointments, so my mom came with me whenever she could. And oh my God, was it helpful. (Shout out to you Nana!!!)
Having another adult there meant one person could hold one baby while the other was being examined. She could help carry a car seat, grab something out of the diaper bag, soothe whichever baby was crying, or simply help me get everyone safely from the car into the doctor's office.
It sounds like such a small thing until you're standing in a parking lot trying to figure out how you're going to carry two infant car seats, a diaper bag, and yourself into a doctor's office.
If a twin parent in your life mentions an upcoming appointment, don't just ask how it went afterward. Ask if they want you to come ahead of time!
5. Bring Reinforcements
This one is especially important with multiples.
If my mom came over and told me to go take a nap, I usually wouldn't. If my sister came over and offered to take over, I usually wouldn't. I felt like I was just passing the buck to another person. I think other twin parents may understand this feeling. Twins felt like way too much work to expect another person to handle alone. Most people aren't familiar with caring for two babies simultaneously. Heck, I wasn't familiar with taking care of twins, and I was their mom.
So I'd lie in bed wondering if everything was okay instead of actually sleeping. But if my mom and my sister came over? Different story. I could rest. Because now we had man-to-man coverage. 😂
If you really want to give twin parents a break, grab another trusted family member or friend and show up together. One adult per baby can make it much easier for an anxious, exhausted parent to actually let go for a little while.
6. Don't Come Over Without Asking If They Need Coffee
I'm completely serious. I cannot tell you how many times I desperately wanted to drive to Starbucks or Dunkin but couldn't. Getting two babies into two car seats and loading everyone into the car for a coffee run was simply not happening.
My other sister-in-law consistently dropped coffee off on my porch. Like, all the time, even as she was managing her own newborn! She deserves sainthood. (Shout out to Kristin, I wouldn't have survived without you!)
You don't need to spend hours at someone's house to support them. Sometimes support looks like: "I'm at Starbucks. What do you want?" Then leave the coffee on the porch. 10/10. No notes.
7. Accept That Your Relationship With Them May Change—And Give Them Grace
My sister and I had an extremely strained relationship during my first year as a twin mom.
And I'll die on this hill, as a mom who has had both a singleton and twins: being a twin mom is different than being a singleton mom.
I wasn't myself. I was sleep deprived beyond comparison. My entire life had changed overnight, and I was desperately trying to adjust to it. I didn't have the capacity for adult conversations. I didn't have the capacity to maintain relationships the way I did before. I was in survival mode.
My sister and I are now closer than ever. There is actually no one I trust with the twins more. She has always been the best aunt, even when the were newborns. But our relationship seriously took a hit in that first year. Looking back, I think it was difficult for her to accept that our relationship had to go on the back burner for a while (sorry, Addy! ILYSM and I know that it sucked... majorly). And I think she hated watching me struggle without knowing how to help me.
If someone you love just had twins and suddenly seems distant, please don't automatically assume it's about you. They may not text back. They may cancel plans. They may not ask how you're doing as often as they used to.
Meet them where they are. Give them grace. This is temporary.
8. Ask How the Parents Are Doing—Not Just the Babies
Everyone asks about the babies. "How are the twins?" The babies are great. They're two tiny little potatoes who are blissfully unaware of the havoc they're wreaking on everyone around them.
Ask about the parents. They're the ones who haven't slept. They're the ones trying to figure out how to feed two babies simultaneously. They're the ones wondering how their entire lives changed so quickly. They're the ones who may barely recognize themselves. Ask how they're doing.
And don't settle for "I'm fine" if you know they're not fine. Listen to them complain. Listen to them cry. Give them a hug. You don't always need to fix it.
Sometimes they just need someone to acknowledge that what they're doing is really freaking hard.
9. Keep Showing Up After the Newborn Excitement Wears Off
My hospital room was basically a revolving door. Everyone wanted to meet the twins. And honestly? I don't blame them. Twins are freaking cool.
The first few weeks at home were similar. We had constant visitors. Everyone wanted to hold a baby, see how we were doing, and experience the excitement of two newborns. But here's what people don't always realize: The entire first year with twins is hard.
Not just the first two weeks. Not just the fourth trimester. There are sleep regressions, teething, illnesses, starting solids, nap transitions, returning to work, and managing two increasingly mobile babies heading in opposite directions. And eventually, the newborn excitement wears off for everyone else while the parents are still very much in it.
So keep showing up. Bring dinner at six months. Drop off coffee at nine months. Offer to take the babies for a walk even when they're no longer tiny newborns. Ask the parents how they're doing long after everyone else has stopped asking.
Final Thoughts on Supporting the New Twin Parents in Your Life
Looking back, I don't think my family struggled to support me because they didn't want to help. In fact, I know all of them wanted to help me more than ANYTHING, and I am so incredibly blessed to be able to say that.
But they struggled because none of us knew what I needed, even myself.
I didn't know how to ask for help. I didn't know what kind of help would actually make things easier. And sometimes, even when someone offered exactly what I needed, I was too overwhelmed or guilty to accept it. Now I know.
New twin parents don't necessarily need more visitors. They need people willing to show up for them, not just the babies. Here is how to help new twin parents:
Bring food.
Wash the bottles.
Take the babies for a walk.
Bring backup.
Drop coffee on the porch.
Ask how they're doing.
And keep showing up after everyone else has gone home.
Most importantly, meet them where they are and give them grace.
They're learning how to become parents while simultaneously learning how to care for two babies at once. They'll find their footing. But until they do? Be their village. They need it.
Posted from the heart,
Mama Poe
Continue ReadingIf you're looking for more ways to survive the first year with twins, check out these posts: 🍼 Twin Registry Must-Haves: The Products That Saved My Sanity During the First Year With Twins 👬 Do You Really Need Two of Everything for Twins? A Twin Mom's Honest Answer 👶 The 4th Trimester Survival Guide (What No One Tells You + How To Actually Calm a Newborn) |
🤍 Loved this post? Make sure you pin it for later by saving the image below! 📌⤵️
Comments